Tuesday, May 10, 2011

TSA Checkpoints: A Modest Proposal

A LinkedIn associate and I have an idea for re-branding TSA Checkpoints as a nation-wide franchise of Department of Healthy Screening clinics...

We'll have you on your flight in no time!

"Did anyone else catch today's story about the possibility of screeners doing DNA swabs? Great news! If we hold out long enough, those pesky insurance co-pays will disappear and we can have all of our health screenings, breast exams and Lord knows what else, conducted in the airport as we pass through security. I'm all about multi-tasking. I wonder if they can check my cholesterol and this eye tic I develop when I read articles about TSA. At least maybe I'll go from 'Female Random!' and pat down before I even hit the scanners to not having to schedule a physical in the doctors office ever again.  "Excuse me Officer, does this feel weird to you? I feel like it might be something."

Rachel, you owe my employer a new keyboard - one without cheap dark roast coffee sputtered all over it.

But I think you're on to something. Maybe the TSA can check us for fever, test us for strep throat, and prevent pandemic by giving us our annual flu jab.  They can assess our exposure to hazardous chemicals like nitrates.  They can distribute Eddie Eagle firearm safety brochures.  They can teach our kids not to run with scissors, especially on the jet way.  Weight Watchers can track our height, weight, and body mass index throughout the travel year.  Abdominal X-rays to check for explosives carried "drug mule-style" would require a pregnancy test for female suspects - no charge of course. Lens Crafters can modify retina scanners to provide eye exams. The American Cancer Society can buy signage rights where the breast exams and prostate palpations are performed. Gold's Gym can measure the pulse, respiration rate, and flexibility of travelers as they do the TSA "coats-shoes-belt" drill. Dr. Scholl's can size us for orthotics by evaluating our postures in stocking feet. The ever perky Denise Austin can brand a TSA 3-1-1 workout video.  

Just think of it, nationalized health care that contributes to the global war on terror while turning a tidy profit!  Yes indeed, it's clear we've all been looking at this the wrong way...